Ask The Camp Nurse |
ASK THE CAMP NURSE
A Q + A WITH NURSE CANDY
(click here to submit your own questions to Nurse Candy, and to read her full bio)
Q): Nurse Candy, I really want to go to camp next summer but my mom won't let me because of my allergies. Specifically, I'm allergic to the following: eggs, grass, sand, trees, peanuts, fish, red meat, chicken, turkey, tofurkey, counselors from the former Eastern-Bloc for whom showering is apparently optional, milk, chocolate, milk chocolate, ice cream, whipped cream, sweet cream, Creamcycles, Dreamcycles, the "DreamGirls" soundtrack, and Milwaukee's Best Light. What can I do to convince my mom to let me go to camp? - Jason, age 13, Wilmette, IL.
A): Well Jason, thanks for checking in. Sounds like someone's got it a little rough! Maybe it's time to forget this whole camp thing and tell your parents to invest instead in a plastic bubble. Look on the bright side: being allergic to Tofurkey and "DreamGirls" makes you lucky. Now bend over and take this shot like a man.
Q): Is there a wrong time to give somebody CPR? - Frank from Sheboygan, WI.
A): Well Frank, performing CPR should be reserved for medical emergencies and staged distractions to get out of paying the bill at most French restaurants. At the beginning of each camp season, co-directors T.J. and Brad fire up the film projector to show footage of people giving themselves the Heimlich Maneuver. Brad almost chocked on a crabapple back in ’89, and only recently began eating produce again. Now open your mouth and take your damn medicine like a man.
Q): What is the best cure for a hangover? - Mindy, age 30, Shaker Heights, OH.
A): You're 30 now? Bad news, Mindy; it's all downhill from here. I'll suggest the following: About 12 Advil, an Egg McMuffin/Hash Brown combo meal, and the strength to stop partying like you're still a 21 year old Pi Phi at some big-10 school. Now stick out your tongue and say "ahhhh" like a man, and don't give me the whole "but I'm not a man" nonsense. I'm the camp nurse, and what I say goes.
Q): Do you have to be an athlete to have athletes’ foot? - David from East Rockaway, NY
A): No, but don’t you think it’s weird that a retail store named itself after a parasitic fungus infection? I mean, what if the next time you visited the mall you saw a sign for a sale at "Jock Itch?" Now hold out your arm so I can rub this lotion all over your elbow. And stop with the questions already, I'm a professional lotion rubber.